...am i getting my music back..on the computer...and the new ipod...getting life back.
And still...longing, longing, longing. feeling so lonely and cold and empty, missing human connactions and warmth. I want to let go and be free, but this is not a safe place to do it... struggling and eating so i dont feel, which is not a solution but only more pain.
I feel that life wants me to move on, keep rocking until this rolling stone finds its resting place. Looking inside, i am so full and overflowing, but looking outside i am not finding it mirrored in my life, not living it, or am i just blind? There is so much inside...please, help me live it! I am doing my best, there is so much trust that all will be fine, as it has always been and still there is fear that i wont make it, that i will miss it, maybe not stand up when i should...trust, breathe and trust again. wouldnt it be possible to know life before it happens? Right, how boring!
I must admit, i have the most amazing friends here, wishing pia alll the best in the hospital...thanking all of you for beeing!
Prayer...
praying for support and love, for touch and warmth and connection, for a place to live life fully, put all my energy to good use, a place and people to be safe and stable and rested inside...and love, love, love, touch and sex and juice...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Poison
Alice Cooper...
Better out than in!
Slowly...my body is healing and I am not in the right place. Well, how can I judge, I guess there is no wrong place, its just not neccessarily pleasant or supportive. I got sick the day my mum returned and my dad is a whole story by itself that doesnt need to be told. and i am learning more day by day. Something very special happens more and more often. I am working hard to be aware of whats happening in every situation thats painful or when anger and old fear gets triggered and even though it doesnt always work on the spot, its getting better every day. No, not easy, but for this process, well, the best place to be.
And another part of me wants to reach out and touch and live, i have rarely felt such a desire to live fully, step out, Love, love, love, connect, searching for human contact, to be soft, give in, surrender.
There is a feeling inside of something coming my way, exciting and frustrating...because it isnt happening yet..
I feel as if i was bursting with life and i cant get the connection to the outside world, i dont see it reflected in the material world yet. Working on it, doing my best to find out why not and letting it go... work in progress.
A very new experience for me that makes me feel a bit trapped up here. The future is still wide, wide open and I miss australia, the warmth of nature and people, aware people, the ocean, the ocean, the ocean and the dance!
I saved myself and got another ipod, starting up new and getting my music back...now this is healing!
Better out than in!
Slowly...my body is healing and I am not in the right place. Well, how can I judge, I guess there is no wrong place, its just not neccessarily pleasant or supportive. I got sick the day my mum returned and my dad is a whole story by itself that doesnt need to be told. and i am learning more day by day. Something very special happens more and more often. I am working hard to be aware of whats happening in every situation thats painful or when anger and old fear gets triggered and even though it doesnt always work on the spot, its getting better every day. No, not easy, but for this process, well, the best place to be.
And another part of me wants to reach out and touch and live, i have rarely felt such a desire to live fully, step out, Love, love, love, connect, searching for human contact, to be soft, give in, surrender.
There is a feeling inside of something coming my way, exciting and frustrating...because it isnt happening yet..
I feel as if i was bursting with life and i cant get the connection to the outside world, i dont see it reflected in the material world yet. Working on it, doing my best to find out why not and letting it go... work in progress.
A very new experience for me that makes me feel a bit trapped up here. The future is still wide, wide open and I miss australia, the warmth of nature and people, aware people, the ocean, the ocean, the ocean and the dance!
I saved myself and got another ipod, starting up new and getting my music back...now this is healing!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
emptiness
Empty.
Searching.
Warmth. Lost.
Love. Connection.
Reaching out and daring to be naked.
Vulnerable. Shaking.
So much love to share.
My body, depleted.
Desire.
Sadness.
Unmasked.
Exhausted.
Fullfillment.
Reaching out.
Prayer.
Open...
Touch me
Hold me
Care for me
Pray for me
Deliver me
Searching.
Warmth. Lost.
Love. Connection.
Reaching out and daring to be naked.
Vulnerable. Shaking.
So much love to share.
My body, depleted.
Desire.
Sadness.
Unmasked.
Exhausted.
Fullfillment.
Reaching out.
Prayer.
Open...
Touch me
Hold me
Care for me
Pray for me
Deliver me
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Beloved Jo
I Know The Way You Can Get
I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.
Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.
Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.
O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:
You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.
You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.
I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.
That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.
That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!
All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!
From: 'I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz'
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky
I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.
Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.
Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.
O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:
You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.
You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.
I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.
That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.
That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!
All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!
From: 'I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz'
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
taht frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented or fabulous?
Actually, who are You not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesnt save the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking,
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us,
its in everyone.
And as we let our light shine
we unconciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
taht frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented or fabulous?
Actually, who are You not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesnt save the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking,
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us,
its in everyone.
And as we let our light shine
we unconciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson
Intense
My life seems to have a passion for intensity... so well, I might as well accept it and go with it... since the end of the path of love, again, a lot has happened and my body decided finally, to have a break, so feeling pretty...
Bastian has come to visit and gone again, together ending our relationship in love, not ending it realy, not ending the love but setting it free ;-) What a precious soul!
All my efforts to get my music back where futile (no, I am not going to call Abu Dhabi) and I have decided to get a new ipod, slowly start collecting again, even though my australian collection (YARRAH!!!!!!) seems lost. Anyone over there who could spare some discs ... ;-)??? All music donations welcome!!!!
I survived my first trip driving on the wrong side of the road, just concentrating reaaaaally strongly on the middle of the street and well, still cleaning the windows instead of indicating, but other than that, car and me all safe and in one piece!
I feel blessed with the friends i have over here, the gentle weathers... and miss a community, a place of loving people to support and love each other, a place of prayer and spirituality, laughing and living and dancing. Hey place, do u exist? Or shall in need of some creation? Slowly feeling my way towards Berlin and Colone, but first of all, rest and get well again and trust... there have been many places around the world, beating in the rhythm of love, there will be many more.
It still feels so unreal to be here, as if no time has gone by, as if I just left yesterday. Only that my beloved friends kids suddenly run around and speak and laugh instead of crawl and babble... and that my mums furniture has changed again...
And yeah, i really have to get used again to weekends. Everything closed on sundays, little on saturdays. The week has got a rhythm again, breathing in and out, shopping limited. What a blessing. Just needs some planning that I wasnt aware of before. Oh world, sweet world, you are weird and i want to fall in love with every bit!
Bastian has come to visit and gone again, together ending our relationship in love, not ending it realy, not ending the love but setting it free ;-) What a precious soul!
All my efforts to get my music back where futile (no, I am not going to call Abu Dhabi) and I have decided to get a new ipod, slowly start collecting again, even though my australian collection (YARRAH!!!!!!) seems lost. Anyone over there who could spare some discs ... ;-)??? All music donations welcome!!!!
I survived my first trip driving on the wrong side of the road, just concentrating reaaaaally strongly on the middle of the street and well, still cleaning the windows instead of indicating, but other than that, car and me all safe and in one piece!
I feel blessed with the friends i have over here, the gentle weathers... and miss a community, a place of loving people to support and love each other, a place of prayer and spirituality, laughing and living and dancing. Hey place, do u exist? Or shall in need of some creation? Slowly feeling my way towards Berlin and Colone, but first of all, rest and get well again and trust... there have been many places around the world, beating in the rhythm of love, there will be many more.
It still feels so unreal to be here, as if no time has gone by, as if I just left yesterday. Only that my beloved friends kids suddenly run around and speak and laugh instead of crawl and babble... and that my mums furniture has changed again...
And yeah, i really have to get used again to weekends. Everything closed on sundays, little on saturdays. The week has got a rhythm again, breathing in and out, shopping limited. What a blessing. Just needs some planning that I wasnt aware of before. Oh world, sweet world, you are weird and i want to fall in love with every bit!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Space between
There is an emptiness inside, searching for the connecting love, the community, xchange and warmth. I dearly miss the cocoon of the process, feeling quite vulnerable, lost, open. The frequency of the field... so even more determined to find a good space to be, a space to nurture, to be strong and heal and grow.
Gondwana:
Milli, may your beloved fairies help you home to wherever your soul finds peace. So sweet, so unbelievable. Seems, the heavens are crying for you.
Gondwana:
Milli, may your beloved fairies help you home to wherever your soul finds peace. So sweet, so unbelievable. Seems, the heavens are crying for you.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Path of love
What a journey.
Deeply touched and moved,
shaken and alive.
What a journey!
A week of depth, breath, moving deeper...
People, touching me so deeply, ever so intense and softly, i am so moved, so wounded and healed in the heart...a new family...
SO thankful for this process...
And now I am finding myself where my joruney began sucha long time ago, in my hometome Oldenburg in the north of germany at my mums place (who is, as always, on holidays ;-)
You can reach me here at: Germany- 441 30665
It feels very very weird. Germany feels very, hmm, narrow, so many buildings, so many people and what a trip back...nonody told me that there would be a public holiday tomorrow (ah well, its always the same day, so i miiigth have known...) and that the city that i had to go through (bremen) is holding the annual german protestants week...hundered thousands on the road to where i wanted to go, just happening to be in the same train...YAY!!! so had a nice trip sitting on my belongings and hoping the best. ah well, not to mention that on the next train (to my destination oldenburg) a bridge gave up working and we were sitting int he middle of the fields for ages while my stepmum was trying to pick me up from the station, fighting with taxi drivers and finally giving up when i arrived ... so had another beautiful bustrip through the whole city that feels so unfamiliar familiar and here i am ...
It is ridiculuously green, fresh and soo so warm, it is a blessing, an early spring night, the birds singing, the sun setting late and i have this whole place myself...
and...I am devasteted...i lost my ipod, all my long collected MUSIC, on the plain from abu dhabi,...my music, not to be retrieved... it hurts! I think there is little that really is valuable for me... this was my therapy, my travelcompanion...a picture of my soul...
Deeply touched and moved,
shaken and alive.
What a journey!
A week of depth, breath, moving deeper...
People, touching me so deeply, ever so intense and softly, i am so moved, so wounded and healed in the heart...a new family...
SO thankful for this process...
And now I am finding myself where my joruney began sucha long time ago, in my hometome Oldenburg in the north of germany at my mums place (who is, as always, on holidays ;-)
You can reach me here at: Germany- 441 30665
It feels very very weird. Germany feels very, hmm, narrow, so many buildings, so many people and what a trip back...nonody told me that there would be a public holiday tomorrow (ah well, its always the same day, so i miiigth have known...) and that the city that i had to go through (bremen) is holding the annual german protestants week...hundered thousands on the road to where i wanted to go, just happening to be in the same train...YAY!!! so had a nice trip sitting on my belongings and hoping the best. ah well, not to mention that on the next train (to my destination oldenburg) a bridge gave up working and we were sitting int he middle of the fields for ages while my stepmum was trying to pick me up from the station, fighting with taxi drivers and finally giving up when i arrived ... so had another beautiful bustrip through the whole city that feels so unfamiliar familiar and here i am ...
It is ridiculuously green, fresh and soo so warm, it is a blessing, an early spring night, the birds singing, the sun setting late and i have this whole place myself...
and...I am devasteted...i lost my ipod, all my long collected MUSIC, on the plain from abu dhabi,...my music, not to be retrieved... it hurts! I think there is little that really is valuable for me... this was my therapy, my travelcompanion...a picture of my soul...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Hatschi!
Freezing and sneezing ;-)
After a weekend ful of beauty and sunshine its raining cold and grey and my body is aching all over. Well fair enough its been a big change...
It is intensely green eaves and trees in the spring splendour celebrating the newborn life (gratulations to alex in byron by the way!)
And i am soo much enjoying to go shopping! No more preservatives and weird additives in the food, supermarkets with half of their shelves certified organic and inexpensive a huuuge variety. I missed this in NZ and Oz where everything is dominated and dictated by a few companies, while over here the abundance, availability and creativity of different goooood foods and goods is amazing. The landscape around my girlfriends place (pia...soooo lovely, inetersting knowledgeable!!!!) is hilly full of old castles, walls and cities, bursting in al shades of green and rainbowy flowers...but it feels very packed, a little too tight. So many people so any cars no ocean, no wide fields or plains, the soul seems to have less space to soar...Still, I feel very much that this is my country of birth there is a strength and easyness inside that i didnt remember. I dont have to move dont have to ask for permission to stay am allowed t be...well, as long as i dont get in touch with the system which i will have to next week...
I wished my body was healthy because i will pack my bags again tomorrow to travel to cologne join the path of love over there...once a year in europe and so i decided to do it yesterday...the journey goes on!
After a weekend ful of beauty and sunshine its raining cold and grey and my body is aching all over. Well fair enough its been a big change...
It is intensely green eaves and trees in the spring splendour celebrating the newborn life (gratulations to alex in byron by the way!)
And i am soo much enjoying to go shopping! No more preservatives and weird additives in the food, supermarkets with half of their shelves certified organic and inexpensive a huuuge variety. I missed this in NZ and Oz where everything is dominated and dictated by a few companies, while over here the abundance, availability and creativity of different goooood foods and goods is amazing. The landscape around my girlfriends place (pia...soooo lovely, inetersting knowledgeable!!!!) is hilly full of old castles, walls and cities, bursting in al shades of green and rainbowy flowers...but it feels very packed, a little too tight. So many people so any cars no ocean, no wide fields or plains, the soul seems to have less space to soar...Still, I feel very much that this is my country of birth there is a strength and easyness inside that i didnt remember. I dont have to move dont have to ask for permission to stay am allowed t be...well, as long as i dont get in touch with the system which i will have to next week...
I wished my body was healthy because i will pack my bags again tomorrow to travel to cologne join the path of love over there...once a year in europe and so i decided to do it yesterday...the journey goes on!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
smooth operation!
Tired, exhausted, safe.
I had a really good smooth journey...cairns- brisbane- singapore- abu dhabi- frankfurt. Long, very long but relaxed and easy. I can only highly recommend etihad airlines!!! Where ever i went, i had only a few minutes before boarding the next plane so loads of running in brisbane but afterwards just great...so only a bit more than 30 hrs travels. Thank you soooo much amala! Hey in Singapore u get free internet everywhere (abu dhabi as well) free foot massage and town trips...pretty nice! Amazing in flight service and entertainment (slumdog finally ;-).
Frankfurt....Germany. The first impression was a dark airport concrete not so many happy people... but Pia! who came to pick me up and my place of residency for a while close to frankfurt. Its balmy warm spring in germany im a terribly freezing and absolutely amazed by the song of the birds around. I forgot about them. where i am? Still somewhere in space, not quite here yet. But very thankful. Love u all!
I had a gooooood nights sleep. It doesnt get dark before 9.30 though, weird! And its aready light at 6 am...northern summers!
Anke and Joerg! Will definetly come and see u as soon as i am in oldenburg!
I miss dancing want to move, be with spiritual people... oks like there are just a couple of places in germany for 5 rythm\ ecstatic dance none close to oldenburg for sure. Coogne looks good osho centre and weekly sweat ur prayers. That the way? They are holding the next Path of love over there next week. can i afford it? Here doesnt seem to be a lot of spiritual maturity in general, closed up people instead of open hearts concetration on money and security...except a few beautiful people. Is this my place? Wearing a thousand jumpers, still shivering... but content and a lot ore balanced and in peace than i ever expected. I need a jacket and shoes!!!!
I had a really good smooth journey...cairns- brisbane- singapore- abu dhabi- frankfurt. Long, very long but relaxed and easy. I can only highly recommend etihad airlines!!! Where ever i went, i had only a few minutes before boarding the next plane so loads of running in brisbane but afterwards just great...so only a bit more than 30 hrs travels. Thank you soooo much amala! Hey in Singapore u get free internet everywhere (abu dhabi as well) free foot massage and town trips...pretty nice! Amazing in flight service and entertainment (slumdog finally ;-).
Frankfurt....Germany. The first impression was a dark airport concrete not so many happy people... but Pia! who came to pick me up and my place of residency for a while close to frankfurt. Its balmy warm spring in germany im a terribly freezing and absolutely amazed by the song of the birds around. I forgot about them. where i am? Still somewhere in space, not quite here yet. But very thankful. Love u all!
I had a gooooood nights sleep. It doesnt get dark before 9.30 though, weird! And its aready light at 6 am...northern summers!
Anke and Joerg! Will definetly come and see u as soon as i am in oldenburg!
I miss dancing want to move, be with spiritual people... oks like there are just a couple of places in germany for 5 rythm\ ecstatic dance none close to oldenburg for sure. Coogne looks good osho centre and weekly sweat ur prayers. That the way? They are holding the next Path of love over there next week. can i afford it? Here doesnt seem to be a lot of spiritual maturity in general, closed up people instead of open hearts concetration on money and security...except a few beautiful people. Is this my place? Wearing a thousand jumpers, still shivering... but content and a lot ore balanced and in peace than i ever expected. I need a jacket and shoes!!!!
Monday, May 04, 2009
Thankful
A couple of pics from the garden, barron river gorge and falls, the beach, the scenery...hmmmm ;-)
I am enjoying, indulging in the tropics, loving every bit of the warm green embrace mother nature offers up here. There are so many possibilities, the space wide open...at least that's how australia feels to me...and i am thankful i could experience it for nearly a whole year now.
But now... my flight is, believe it or not ;-) finally booked and if all goes well, I will be leaving thursday morning from cairns and after lunch from brisbane to abu dabhi and frankfurt. A great connection that will only take me just about 30 hours, so may the good gods and fairies of the traveling kind be kind and allow a smoooth journey...i will have gone around the world once i am back home...yay!!!
I am so excited, i find it hard to sleep, dream a lot, my heart goes crazy...so again and again, diving in the present moment, enjoying the beautiful life as it is and forget about tomorrow...or i'll loose it. hmpf ;-)
going to uni with amala creates quite a temptation... feeling so home in this environment (and its not much different to german uni, just lots more expensive) I feel the desire to learn and share and knooooow more again. Maybe should do my doctor, maybe study again ? Live is so big, so beautiful and wide... I dont think it would be too beneficial to spend most of my time in front of a computer or book again, would rather do bodywork and dance!
Uuund...falls denn einer aus dem norden zufaelliger weise in richtung frankfurt kommen sollte...lasst mich wissen ;-)
I am enjoying, indulging in the tropics, loving every bit of the warm green embrace mother nature offers up here. There are so many possibilities, the space wide open...at least that's how australia feels to me...and i am thankful i could experience it for nearly a whole year now.
But now... my flight is, believe it or not ;-) finally booked and if all goes well, I will be leaving thursday morning from cairns and after lunch from brisbane to abu dabhi and frankfurt. A great connection that will only take me just about 30 hours, so may the good gods and fairies of the traveling kind be kind and allow a smoooth journey...i will have gone around the world once i am back home...yay!!!
I am so excited, i find it hard to sleep, dream a lot, my heart goes crazy...so again and again, diving in the present moment, enjoying the beautiful life as it is and forget about tomorrow...or i'll loose it. hmpf ;-)
going to uni with amala creates quite a temptation... feeling so home in this environment (and its not much different to german uni, just lots more expensive) I feel the desire to learn and share and knooooow more again. Maybe should do my doctor, maybe study again ? Live is so big, so beautiful and wide... I dont think it would be too beneficial to spend most of my time in front of a computer or book again, would rather do bodywork and dance!
Uuund...falls denn einer aus dem norden zufaelliger weise in richtung frankfurt kommen sollte...lasst mich wissen ;-)
Friday, May 01, 2009
aaaaargh!!!
Ich versuche, einen flug zu buchen... buchung kann leider nicht komplettiert werden. Also anrufen...sorry, sie sind in unserem system, eventuell haben sie 2 mal gezahlt, eventuell haben sie keinen flug... bitte kontakten sie ihre bank (in deutschland...leider erster mai!)...die hat denn dann auch wartungsarbeiten und nu???? kann keinen flug buchen weil ich nicht weiss, ob meine visa belastet wurde... aaalso..heut noch einmal probiert, wieder keine buchung, dafuer aber so lange telefonwarteschleife, dass mein credit abgelaufen ist... soll ich nun lachen oder weinen????
Na, wird schon werden ;-)
sooo...after all this happening (or rather, not happening), my ticket is finally secured...i just had to get to a printer, copy machine and find a scanner, use my whole phone credit, get quite close to the guy from etihad airlines who managed it all... find out that my bank was on holidays and that i maybe payed three times (no, didnt pay once ;-)... but, all good now! YAY...terribly excited ... am i going to make the flight, what if... and permanently forcing myself back into the moment... it doesnt matter, everything will be goooooood....hrggg... dreaming about my family and flights, not sleeping very well, my whole energy system is upside down, moooving...but thats natural, good, alive and i appreciate it. As much as i love amalas beautiful company and the place we share. It will be hard to let go, leave... but hey, will come back!
Na, wird schon werden ;-)
sooo...after all this happening (or rather, not happening), my ticket is finally secured...i just had to get to a printer, copy machine and find a scanner, use my whole phone credit, get quite close to the guy from etihad airlines who managed it all... find out that my bank was on holidays and that i maybe payed three times (no, didnt pay once ;-)... but, all good now! YAY...terribly excited ... am i going to make the flight, what if... and permanently forcing myself back into the moment... it doesnt matter, everything will be goooooood....hrggg... dreaming about my family and flights, not sleeping very well, my whole energy system is upside down, moooving...but thats natural, good, alive and i appreciate it. As much as i love amalas beautiful company and the place we share. It will be hard to let go, leave... but hey, will come back!
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