Searching

Searching and searching... travelling and packing my bags over and over again.
Auf der Suche, auf dem Weg durch deutschland, suchend nach einem guten Platz, nach Halt und Arbeit und Waerme. Kampf...zwischen dem beduerfnis, mich weiter zu bewegen und zur ruhe zu kommen, angst, mich niederzulassen und einfach muede, allein zu sein. Im Moment bedeuten mir menschliche Verbindungen sehr viel, bedeuten Halt. Ich bin es einfach muede, weiter alles allein zu machen und doch bleibt mir wohl nichts anderes uebrig. Ich hatte sehr schoene Tage bei Pia und Bastian und durfte die Schwertweihe der kleinen Ferike von Michael und Stephanie erleben. Nun bin ich wieder zurueck in Koeln, muede.
Und auch dankbar, wieder an einem guten ort sein zu duerfen und an einer wunderbaren Meditation teilgenommen zu haben, eine Nacharbeit zum Path of love. In den Sternen...das was kommt. Ich kann mir nicht vorstellen, dass es auf dauer deutschland bleibt.

Bei Pia und Ferikes Taufe

Real

I just want to get real, be REAL!
I am getting more and more aware of whats happening inside, but have such a trouble, to really share and express it... I am very thankful that i could meet beautiful people today and share and connect. It helps me much to listen to their stories, they very much inspire me and help me, to feel myself. Oh god, finally women around to share equally. FINALLY!
The need and wish to be soft... even the dynamic meditation doesnt work too well for me at the moment, just wanting to be soft and somehow burned out after the time in Oldenburg. I just talked to my housemate here and she told me that she was seing a good therapist with her mum/ family...what a blessing, how much do i wish, this was possible in my family.

I want to be abled to honour myself now, stay in my grace as a woman and stop putting myself down. Whenever there is someone interesting, i am back to being a child, soooo afraid of rejection. There are many people around at the Osho centre and it is so exhausting, my body hurts, because i am permanently trying to adjust to their needs, at the same time working to stop this and hold myself. So many years that i betrayed and left myself, allowed all the judgement in, beating myself up by comparing myself with others...and no, its not only hard work right now, i do get moments of bliss and a lot more relaxation inside, the path is good, very good. I have been dying to get these real connections, and still want to touch and be touched, be in contact, open my body. We will see.

The city itself is a challenge, i am starving for green and nature around me, i smile at every tree...the air is full of polution and smog, people dont look happy...

It is exhausting and i am so thankful, this is happening, so thankful.

Colone

It got freezing cold in the last days.
A lot has happened... and after a beautiful sharing and a gooood dance last night, i woke up this morning in the middle of colone at a friends place, first shocked and very much touched by the feeling... and what now? where am i going, whats going to happen, how am i going to earn some money and where do i feel weel and home... so i had to do a little work to get back into the moment and found myself back to working again. Not for money but still, i had the feeling that i am just at the right place and the right time, even though there are all these questions and uncertainties. I cant and wont stay in the city too long, it is no good for me. I know i can be everywhere and will be fine, but the smog, a million people and cars are just not ideal...
I was blessed to be able to participate again in an intense day of constellation work last saturday that really helped me and brought me to deep peace and love. Thank you Hannelore!
Last night, some of the participants of the path of love met in the osho uta for a touching and honest sharing that really helped me to realise, whats happening inside... The last weeks had been sometimes extremly painful and very rich as well... and i found, that i need and have to take better care of myself, especially in social situations... i am usually very tense and uncomfortable amongst people and now... i found out why and what to do...

And i am very grateful to Michael who made the journey down south so smooth, fast and easy and incredibly inspiring .... and to my friend Viraj offered me his place to stay on the roofs of colone, including two amazing cats!
If i do not worry about the future, i realise, i am soooo well looked after, its amazing!
And i will keep searching for a place of love, for touch, surrender and yummy nurturing and connection, for deep peace and raw and real authenticity. I long for a lover, i long for live, to use all my energy and fullfill myself, my dream.

Path of love picture

Flow

Moving. I am so happy to pack my bags again and follow this weird callign that makes me move on, promising a hidden treasure, telling me about life, movement, juice...
Suddenly, my time in Oldenburg feels short, is short, ending so soon this time, just like the sudden move from Oz to Germany, following my intuition again. It feels alive, being a nomad, searching inside, outside.
Reading the Echo on the internet ;-)
I am spending hours on the computer, uploading my music to my ipod, making sure, my world of sound is back...except some oz-treasures i lost until my next visit...
Gentle raindrops start falling on the window, it is 10 pm and still bright light outside. European summer...the birds will wake me again around 4 am, celebrating life (thanks...) A cold weather front from the arctic oceans hit us today, bringing strong winds that rocked the oak trees outside my window, so soothing, so beautiful. I collected elderberryflowers this morning, boiling syrup, playing normality. Before i left, i would spent my summerdays collecting and processing wild herbs and leaves, flowers and berries, making teas, jams, syrups...and i hope i will again, one day...
The last days have been challenging, sometimes falling back into old habbits of selfdestruction, painful, frightening, sometimes quite beautiful. The Path of love has moved me much and changed lots of internal settings to the better... i love the work and want to go on with it. One of the most valuable aspects of the work is, that i dare and chose to share more about my weak and ´dark´ sides, about the pain and the need, showing myself more human than the perfect mask i used to pretend to be...its scary, its alive. I had some days again with severe eating trouble, working on that one... at least, i can see clearly now where its coming from, will get there, one day...
There are so beautiful people around me and i am looking very much forward to connect closer with them when i´ll move through germany...
I dont know where i am going to, whats going to happen... i should earn some money again and i would love to do some proper trainings to develop my own work. Right now, i am just taking it step by step, trusting and trusting and trusting.
There will be another magical day if family constellation work on saturday, what a blessing! And Cologne from sunday onwards...connecting, sharing, loving. oh life, there are sooo wonderful peope, so much love to share, so much life waiting to happen.
And there was a beautiful baptism of the babydaughter of friends of mine (Ferike Sophie), there are long trips on my pushbike and the smell of the earth that just got soaked with gentle raindrops. I wished they were my tears. Longing for freedom. Longing for truth. Longing for love and touch and realisation.

I do have a mobile again!!!!

+ 49 1577 8210717

germans: 01577 8210717

In Motion

My world stays fluid. My intuition drives me, urges me to keep moving, to pack my bags and spread my wings again and let go of control...
There is no way i can or want to stay here in Oldenburg. Hard, because there are beautiful friends around and i wished i could rest for a while, but not now. Its is not perfect to stay with my mother and there is no point in searching for work if i am not going to stay and i miss my work, want to use my energy and open new doors. I want to touch again and i would love to learn more, would love to get more trainings in the field of constellation work/ psychotherapy/ dance (not to mention the path of love!) and well, that wont happen here. I dearly miss the ocean and a friend invited me to come and visit on his boat in the mediterranean but thats not the way to go either right now. Something is calling and i want to follow this calling without knowing what it is.
Germany...havent seen much of it and maybe its time to do it now, Colone, Berlin, the South and other european countries. Would love to find some work, would love to meet inspiring people and learn... and then... going back to Byron for another season, but thats far away and there are so many possibilities that such plans seem to be unneccessary, just ideas of beautiful sunsets on a far away horizon (did i mention hawaii??? Havent been there far too long!). Still playing with the idea of Esalen in november but hey, that will need some monetary magic to happen...
But then, looking at all this. Whats the point if i loose my heart in whatever i do? The real focus will and shall always be, whats getting me deeper into my heart, whats challenging my boundaries, what will set me free and where can i follow and free my fears?
I havent really let go and jumped on my own for a while and i dont even know if thats a good thing to do, but it´s time to do so and the rest will come. Trust.
Maybe futile. Maybe the only way to go.