Real

I just want to get real, be REAL!
I am getting more and more aware of whats happening inside, but have such a trouble, to really share and express it... I am very thankful that i could meet beautiful people today and share and connect. It helps me much to listen to their stories, they very much inspire me and help me, to feel myself. Oh god, finally women around to share equally. FINALLY!
The need and wish to be soft... even the dynamic meditation doesnt work too well for me at the moment, just wanting to be soft and somehow burned out after the time in Oldenburg. I just talked to my housemate here and she told me that she was seing a good therapist with her mum/ family...what a blessing, how much do i wish, this was possible in my family.

I want to be abled to honour myself now, stay in my grace as a woman and stop putting myself down. Whenever there is someone interesting, i am back to being a child, soooo afraid of rejection. There are many people around at the Osho centre and it is so exhausting, my body hurts, because i am permanently trying to adjust to their needs, at the same time working to stop this and hold myself. So many years that i betrayed and left myself, allowed all the judgement in, beating myself up by comparing myself with others...and no, its not only hard work right now, i do get moments of bliss and a lot more relaxation inside, the path is good, very good. I have been dying to get these real connections, and still want to touch and be touched, be in contact, open my body. We will see.

The city itself is a challenge, i am starving for green and nature around me, i smile at every tree...the air is full of polution and smog, people dont look happy...

It is exhausting and i am so thankful, this is happening, so thankful.